Out Stilkened!
by Prince Fire and Music
Summary: Jerry O'Bryant is suave, cool, and an efficient detective for fairytale creatures. When the Queen visits him one day, she gives him an offer he can't refuse, or he's dead. Now he and his assistant have twenty four hours to find the name of one man.


Disclaimer: Sorry, I don't own Rumplestilken! I just wrote about him!

Out-Stilkened!

By Neptune Celestial Mirror

8:30 P.M., Jerry O'Bryant's P.I. Headquarters, Big Woods

Once upon a time in the forest outside of the palace, I was packing up my briefcase after a lousy day at work. It was 8:30 P.M., a sensible time for any man to close up shop when it all happened. I was sitting at my desk when my attractive assistant Sally swung open the door with an obnoxious slam. "There's a woman who wants to speak to you, Jerry."

"What? What kind of maniac could want me at this ungodly hour? Send her away; I'm getting ready to leave."

"I'm sorry ma'am, but-,"Sally was rudely pushed to the door as a woman came in dressed in heavy robes and shawls completely concealing her face.

"Hey, don't anybody ever read the signs? 'No later than 8:30 or no service'," I told her.

"I'm willing to pay you quadruple your rate if you'll hear me out," She said in a very 'practically perfect' manner.

"Are you insane, Lady? That's 400$ an hour!"

"No, I'm not insane," she said taking off several robes and her shawls to reveal brilliant jewels, lacy, golden sown clothes, and a golden crown, "I'm the Queen. And if that isn't enough, than I'm willing to pay whatever is."

"Highness," I bowed, embarrassedly, "Won't you sit down?"

"Ah, I see we're ready for business," She was shrewd, real shrewd.

"Sorry I don't have a spare throne at the minute. Will cherry oak do for gold?"

She smiled coldly at my remark, "Yes, it's perfectly alright, especially considering I used to be a poor miller's girl myself." She pulled up the chair and sat down with a queenly grace. "I want you to find a very small man with curly-."

"Whoa, Highness. Don't you think you should consult 'missing persons' and not a private eye?" I said.

"But he isn't missing," She said gravely. "He and I go _way_ far back before I was ever even queen."

"Then why don't you start at the beginning, highness."

"All right," she said gathering herself together. "My father was Conrad Miller the conman."

"Tall T?! His daughter's the queen?!" I said shocked.

"How dare you call him that! Those days are over with" She said indignantly. I had just sent Tall T to jail a week ago on behalf of his stealing from a wealthy merchant, but using my brains I said nothing.

"ANYway, one day a man was riding by on his horse and Father, being the conman that he was, rudely called out to him 'Hey sir! My daughter can spin hay into gold. Can yours?' Of course, by all odds that man was the king, himself."

"Well, whaddaya know…" I remarked solemnly.

"My husband demanded that I should be brought in and when I arrived he sent me into a room full of gold with a spinning wheel in the middle. He told me 'I have heard you can spin hay into gold, but we have far too much gold and not enough hay for our horses. The solution is simple. If you can spin hay into gold then surely you can spin gold back into hay. If you can not however, you shall be hung in town square for all people to see and laugh at.

"Of course, I had no idea how to spin hay into gold and once more I had no idea how to spin gold into hay. The whole thing seemed positively ludicrous to me. So I did what any other sensible girl would and I sat down and had a good cry. Now as I was crying, this is the strange part, as I was crying an extremely small man came into the room and started chuckling at me with such a ridiculous laugh, that I almost wanted to laugh with him."

I opened up my desk drawer and got a small notepad and a pencil. "Physical descriptions, please?"

"What? Oh, yes. Sunshine cheeks, huge happy bluebird eyes, Large vividly snow white teeth, Sunset pink skin. His hair is like extremely curly golden rays of sunlight falling from the heavens."

"Any easily discernable features such as facial hair or scars?"

"Unblinking enormous eyes, constant huge smile, and extremely obnoxious laugh. He's about 3" 7 and…oh! A beard. But no mustache."

"No mustache got it. Alright, thank you highness. Continue."

"Where was I? Oh, yes the man. He asked me why I was crying, especially in a room full of gold. I told him that the king commanded me to spin all of the gold into hay and I found it impossible to do. Then he made a bargain with me that if I gave him something he would spin the gold into hay."

"Did you take the bargain?"

"Of course, I did! What do you take me for, a fool?"

"Forgive me, Highness."

"As I was saying, I searched around myself to find something suitable but the only thing I had was a garnet necklace. About 18 inches around. Silver thread."

"'Kay."

"So, finding my life more valuable than the necklace, I exchanged it. And then, a miracle occurred. The man took hold of the spinning wheel and, spinning backwards, transformed all of the gold into hay before the rooster crowed. After that he vanished."

I stared incredulous at her. Royals could be substance abusers, too. "You're not taking any medications, right, Highness?"

"No, of course not."

"And you haven't been drinking lately?"

"I just had a child! I haven't been on anything!"

"Forgive me, highness, continue."

"At dawn my husband walked in and inspected everything. After searching the room and not finding one strand of gold, he took the hay and escorted me to an even larger room filled with an assortment of precious gems and an even smaller spinning wheel. He instructed me to weave every last gem into hay, or I would be hung in town square for all people to see. Now left alone again, I stood before my impossible task without a stand of hope. I mean, how does one weave a rock into anything, anyway?"

"I ask the questions here, you answer them, Highness," I remarked.

"Ex_cuse_ Me, Mr. O'Bryant. Anyway, the door opened and the same man walked into my room again, obnoxious smile, ridiculous laugh and all. Once again he agreed to undergo this task for a small incentive."

"What was it this time, Highness?"

"An Emerald ring on a gold band. 18 carrot."

"Got it."

"And like the other time, spinning backwards he transformed every last gem into hay, disappearing when he was finished again."

"Are you sure you aren't exaggerating just the smallest little part of this, Highness?"

"I mean every word."

"Whatever you say, Highness. Go on."

"My husband came in at dawn, again, inspecting everything and making sure I hadn't pick-pocketed some gems. After finding everything satisfactory he brought me into the largest room I had ever seen and as far as the eye could see there were precious gems, silk, silver-ware, antiques, and precious metals. He issued the same commands he had the last two times, but this time he told me if I succeeded he would marry me."

"I'm assuming you succeeded?"

She ignored my comment, "Like the last two times the small man came."

"Obnoxious smile, ridiculous laugh and all?"

"Now you're catching on. But this time I had nothing to give him."

"So what did you do Highness?"

"If you'll kindly stop interrupting me, I will finish."

"Sorry, Highness."

"He promised me that he would work just as he had before if I gave him the first newborn child I gave birth to when I was married."

"Ohh, I see where this is getting at. He works. The King finds it satisfactory. You get married and then BANG! You have a kid. So what do you want me to do about this?"

"WOULD you PLEASE STOP Interrupting?!"

"Sorry, Sorry, Highness. Sheesh."

"This all happened about a year ago. I had quite forgotten about him when he showed up."

"Obnoxious smile, ridiculous laugh, and all." We said together.

"Yes, yes," she said "He demanded the payment of my child. I of course begged him no. I promised him all of the riches of the land, which were now mostly hay, but he refused. 'A living creature is worth more than all of the treasures in the world'. Of course touched by his love of babies and jealous of my own I did what any sensible woman would do."

"And I assume you cried?"

"I _sobbed_. Sobbed like there was no tomorrow."

"And…?"

"He gave me three days to come up with his name. I gave him about as many names as I could think of and none of them were it. I want you to search him out and learn him name in two days starting tomorrow. If you don't I will have you hung-"

"Hung out in town square for all the people to look at yadda yadda yadda I get the picture, Highness."

"I see I've made myself clear. Good luck searching." She rose from her chair and picked up her coats and shawls and looked at me sinisterly, "Or it will be the last bit of luck you'll ever have."

I gulped, moving my hand to my throat as she pushed her way out the door through Sally, who squinted her nose and pulled her beetle top glasses to her face looking at me. "What's up with her?" She said.

"She's the Queen, so everything, really."

"What?! The Queen?!"

"Yep, and boy do we have ourselves a case."

"What is it this time?" She said pulling back her blond hair and throwing her oversized mink coat on.

"The Name Game; Some small man with a ridiculous laugh."

Sally tossed me my coat laughing, "Sounds like a handful!"

"Oh it is," I smiled darkly, "His name or it's the death row for both of us."

Sally gulped, "That serious?"

"She's the Queen."

"You're right."

"7:30 by the Squeezle Café, okay?"

"Squeezle? What's up with that overgrown squirrel?"

"That's what I'm gonna find out."

"7:30's fine. See ya there."

I picked up my briefcase and followed her closing the door behind me. It was going to be a long night.

7:35 A.M., Squeezle Café, Big Woods

A sunny day, I was sitting in the café, newspapers concealing my face, when Sally parked the carriage and strode up to me in the same kaki detective's coat I wore.

"Ready to go nutz?" She said imitating Squeezle's accent.

"Roger," I said, setting the newspapers down. I popped on some dark shades and Sally did likewise. We trolled to the back alleyway of the café where sure enough there was a giant squirrel at the back of the café, passing a large sack to a nearby raccoon.

"J-Jerry! Z-Zally! H-How iz ya guys doi'n?"

"Still dealing nuts, huh, Squeezle?"

"N-Nah! I'm clean, Jerry! I'm clean!" He piped out extra squeaky.

"Oh?" I snatched the bag from the raccoon and opened it up. Sure enough: Nutz.

"A squirrel can do time for this, Squeezle."

"Hey! Giveh back! I'm not doi'n notten illegal, here!"

"Oh, really?" Sally said mockingly. "Isn't this the reason you were in jail the first time?"

"I sells it tuh make a liddle exdra money, zo whad? Giveh back!"

I pinned him against the brick wall by the neck. The raccoon dropped the sack and ran out of view. "Zo Whad? Zo Whad?" I mocked him. "Whad about da animal control? Whad if day hears about dis?

"Oh, oh, Jerry. I knows ya wouldn't tells on ya friend Squeezle, would ya?" He said choking.

I let go of him, "Of course, not! But let's make a bargain, huh?"

"Anything, J-Jerry, anything!"

"The Queen has us up on a Name Game case of some blackmailer who's trying to steal her child. You help us, and we lighten your jail time sentences plus maybe some other incentive," Sally said smoothly.

"Whad?! I ain't goi'n ta jail! Forget about it!"

"And if you don't we call up the cops right now and 'da liddle squirrely' gets roasted."

"I'm in, I'm in. But…just fuh kicks, whad's da incentive?" Squeezle added shrewdly.

Sally picked up the bag of nuts and swung it about hypnotically. "A nut or two to keep you company in jail?"

Squeezle's eyes moved about following the bag in a trance before he blinked and recollected himself. "'Kay, whad does he look like?"

"About 3"7. Gold Hair, beard, big blue eyes, constant smile, obnoxious laugh? Ring a bell?" I asked.

"Not sure id does. Why don't ya ask da lady on da hill?"

"The Lady on the Hill? Never heard of her. What her address?" I said as Sally dialed a number on her cell-phone.

"1031 Cacklen Drive, Gingertown,"

"The old witch?"

"Dat's huh."

I copied the address on my sleeve. "Thanks, Squeezle." I motioned to Sally, but Squeezle stopped us.

"Whad about my incentive?"

"Sorry, but we don't do business with crocks," Sally replied smartly as sirens and bright lights were heard.

We turned around the corner as a nearby bear got out his carriage and pointed a crossbow at us. "Freeze! Animal Control!"

"Squeezle's in there," I said, motioning to the alley.

"And here are his nuts," Sally remarked handing them to a nearby black bear. A large Grizzly got out of a carriage and walked over to us sternly.

"Officer Conifer," I nodded.

"I see you're on top of things as usual, Mr. O'Bryant, Miss Perkins. Where're you off to now?"

"Old Witch's place. Hear she has something to say about a criminal that's after the Queen," Sally remarked.

"How 'bout I get you two a coffee at Moonbucks or something?"

"I could use that," Sally said.

"Me, too, I'm dieing for some caffeine," I agreed

The three of us walked a couple of blocks to a small Moonbucks Café. Opening the door we got a whiff of the deer's famous coffee.

"I'll have a Buck sized One Percent Honey Late with a slice of Berry Loaf," Officer Conifer ordered.

"A fawn peppermint Frappacino," Sally said politely.

"And for me…I'll take a Doe sized Dark Coffee with crème."

"All on one bill?" Said an enormous antlered buck.

"Yes," said Officer Conifer. The buck typed up a few numbers on the cash register.

"I swear who comes up with Fawn, Doe, and Buck for Coffee sizes?" Sally said sourly.

"As long as the coffee's good, I'm not complaining," I remarked.

The Deer handed us our orders and Officer Conifer counted out six bills even. "Will I be running into you two anytime soon?" Officer Conifer remarked.

"I hope so," replied Sally.

"Thanks for the coffee, Officer," I said.

"You're welcome anytime," We shook hands and he left.

"Now for a visit to the Old Witch," I remarked to Sally, who nodded eagerly.

2:04 P.M., 1031 Cackling Drive, Gingertown

We rang the doorbell and knocked on the door several times before a small stooped old woman appeared carrying a crooked cane with her. "I see I don't even have to ask who's nibbling at my house do I?"

"Hey, Grams, we're friends of Squeezle. Can we come in and ask you a few questions?"

"Sure, sure. Any friend of Squeezle's is a friend of mine. Come in, come in."

We entered, wary of the old woman's reputation for enchanting children and then eating them. "Can I offer you any food? Tea, perhaps?"

"We're fine," Sally said. The woman cursed under her breath and gave us a nasty look before resuming her usual temperament.

"So what can I help you with today?"

"My partner and I are investigating a blackmailer who's trying to swindle the Queen's Kid. He'll let her off the hook if she guesses his name."

"Suspect is 3"7, golden hair, big blue eyes, constant smile, obnoxious laugh, etcetera. Heard or seen anything about him?"

"I don't think so. What did you say this man's name is?"

"That's the thing. No one knows," I said.

"No one? Hmm. You say he's short?"

"Yes, 3"7," Sally replied.

"Big blue eyes, golden hair," I said.

"What about a golden beard, perhaps? No mustache?"

"Yes!" Sally said.

"Hmm. Well the one I'm thinking of…no it can't be him."

"What?"

Supposedly he has the ability to turn gold into hay and vice versa." The old witch said laughing. "Even I can't do that."

"Yes, it's just like the story the Queen told me! Do you know where he lives?"

"Well," The old witch paused to think. "There's a hut deep in the heart of the woods. I believe that's where he lives. You just take the road behind my house and go west through wild grounds for about five miles until you reach it."

"Do you know his name?" Sally asked.

"I assure you I know nothing more."

"Come on Sally, it off to the woods," I said pulling off my coat. "Thanks a lot Grams."

"Think nothing of it, and if there's ever something I can do for you two while you're in the neighborhood, don't hesitate to stop by."

Sally grabbed her coat and we stepped out of the door. "But I warn you not to visit him in carriage and make sure you get there at night. He isn't welcoming to strangers and he'll only appear in the glow of moonlight," The old woman said to us.

We left afoot through the woods after exchanging "good-byes". "It's strange," Sally told me. "You'd think a woman who knows exactly where a man lives might also know his name."

I shrugged and we trudged on.

9:13 P.M., Heart of the Woods, Somewhere outside of Gingertown

After four hours of non-stop hiking in the darkness Sally and I stopped for a rest by a nearby oak. The Moon was illuminated brilliantly and the stars looked practically like lanterns. "Romantic, huh, Sally?"

"Shh. listen…."

I stopped talking and listened. Faintly somewhere I could hear a large drum being beat in a savage rhythm. Suddenly a spine chilled shriek of the most obnoxious laughter I've ever heard pierced the air.

"It's _him_!" Sally said with an eerie chill.

Silently, with as much agility as possible we raced to find the source. Another spine chilling obnoxious laugh pierced the air and Sally and I found ourselves getting closer and closer until we finally came upon a small hut where we saw the most ridiculous small man hopping about on one foot dancing about in a circle beating a drum at the same time.

"Tomorrow I brew, today I bake

And then the child away I'll take

For little deems my royal dame

That Rumpelstiltzken is my name."

"Rumpelstilzken?" Sally said.

"Let's be getting back to Gingertown. We've got what we came for."

"But where's the way out?"

"Just follow the trail we left."

We started back to the village a foot. And after a long night we reached Gingertown. Tomorrow we were going to pay a little visit to the Queen.

6:45 A.M., Jerry O'Bryant's P.I. Headquarters, two days later…

"Small man kills himself after Queen learns his name" ran all the headlines near and far. "Queen keeps child" and "O'Bryant and Perkins save the day" ran the rest.

"What are you going to do with your share of the four million, Jerry?" Sally asked, flaunting a new mink coat.

"I think I'll settle down. Marry, raise a family. The like."

"Really? I didn't think you were that kind of person."

"Yeah, well people change, I guess."

"Even when names don't."

"I feel sorry for that Stiltzken guy, I really do," I said sipping at a hot cup of Moonbuck's Coffee."

"Who'd want a name like that either?"

There was a knocking on the door and Officer Conifer stepped in gravely. "Sorry to interrupt the spoils, but we've got another case of two missing persons: a boy called Hansel and his sister Gretel."

"Know anything about them?"

"Blond haired, blue eyes. Evil step-mother, loving father. Likes candy?"

Sally and I looked at each other. "You've got yourself a case Officer. Sally, why don't we pay another visit to 1031 Cackling drive. I've got a hunch the old witch can help us with this case, too."

"I'm way ahead of you Jerry," she said tossing me my coat.

THE END


End file.
